The Funniest Tweets of the Week

Last week was pretty universally terrible, except for one or two really great things, which, big ups to everyone who made that happen. Now it is time for a brand new week in which all sorts of other things will happen which will probably be bad too. Perhaps the president will get another letter from another 9-year-old named after some other vegetable. Perhaps the so-called Mooch will do another crazy interview. Perhaps, I don’t know, Antonin Scalia will come back to life, who the hell knows, who the hell cares. Here are the good tweets, everyone.

woman fucks one man who’s not funny: I made a bad choice
man fucks one woman who’s not funny: women aren’t funny
— maura quint (@behindyourback) July 30, 2017

Agent Cooper watching all the movies he’s missed in the 25 years in the lodge and saying things like “Borat…extraordinary”
— Fretless Bass Whizki (@Rappin4Safety) July 30, 2017

I came up with emoji for all the presidents. Some were…a stretch.
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— Caroline McCarthy (@caro) July 30, 2017

”…Who, In All Fairness, Believes He Has Met Bigfoot” pic.twitter.com/TA1fkripOx
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) July 29, 2017
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damn. it sucks how you can only do one politics at a time https://t.co/M3lmSTAgEq
— RusticBaller (@ByYourLogic) July 29, 2017

I’m a 17 year old photographer just trying to make a name for himself. One RT could change my life. pic.twitter.com/443CxcwmaD
— ben™ (@benicus_rex) July 29, 2017

Portrait of the open mic’er at a bringer show. https://t.co/9XJSvRHYTQ
— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) July 28, 2017

fixed that for you! pic.twitter.com/wWz7voikZc
— eve ?? peyser (@evepeyser) July 28, 2017

Somebody on Craigslist has a cow for sale and accidentally typed my number as the contact number. This has been the worst morning of my life pic.twitter.com/x8o7wkCzQx
— shannon (@Itsyaaboysb) July 28, 2017

pic.twitter.com/zGLAEWc7Ux
— Max Read (@max_read) July 28, 2017

pic.twitter.com/52F0TZT51M
— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) July 28, 2017

Every day feels like the beginning of the infomercial where the actor opens a cabinet & more Tupperware than you thought possible pours out
— umami skeleton (@Merman_Melville) July 27, 2017

When you simply must speak to Ryan Lizza pic.twitter.com/RMDaUaiuBz
— Jia Tolentino (@jiatolentino) July 27, 2017

“What Happened, Hillary Rodham Clinton” is also what I mutter to myself every time I scroll through this godforsaken app pic.twitter.com/KR9DaFbRRT
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) July 27, 2017

sort of feel like Scaramucci can’t be real and that some version of him has appeared throughout history to herald the end of empires
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) July 27, 2017

When Cody does a good job pic.twitter.com/IEC9T1l8ft
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— Brendan O’Connor (@_grendan) July 27, 2017

pic.twitter.com/icJNHp7CtK
— ??????????? (@kadyrabbit) July 27, 2017

who would have ever guessed that sean spicer was the smart one
— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) July 27, 2017

“No, everything’s totally fine
In spite of the media’s line.
I’ll now take you through
This glowing review
From Pickle, a boy who is nine.”
— Limericking (@Limericking) July 26, 2017

Trump’s leadership is basically like if Solomon just cut the baby in half without asking first and told both of the moms about it on Twitter
— Patrick Cosmos (@veryimportant) July 26, 2017

pic.twitter.com/UvOzie0orj
— Paul Blest (@pblest) July 26, 2017

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: “I’m going to start today’s briefing with a letter from 37-year-old David. It, uh, just says ‘I killed a dog once.’”
— Gabriella Paiella (@GMPaiella) July 26, 2017

pic.twitter.com/h9YGjkOl1A
— Alex Forrest ?????? (@380kmh) July 26, 2017

I hate when I crash my billion dollar fighter plane into the side of an Afghan mountain because I am hypnotized by the vastness of gender
— Dan Abromowitz (@AnnDabromowitz) July 26, 2017

“Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” premiere tonight at Westport Community Theatre. Break a leg, guys and gals! pic.twitter.com/PRYHuVFPfp
— Bruce Handy (@henryfingjames) July 26, 2017

We’re like one of those planets they’d visit in the original Star Trek that’s so cartoonishly fucked-up they’d break the Prime Directive.
— Howard Mittelmark (@HMittelmark) July 26, 2017

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howdy. i’m rick perry. im dumb as shit
— brad shoup (@bshoup) July 26, 2017

need an example of something a lion would do. compose an aria? is that something lions do pic.twitter.com/BgOoIHzzrK
— Felix Gilman (@felixgilman) July 26, 2017

I’m mad as hell, and I am going to take it anymore https://t.co/IOZdB5XHhS
— chris hooks (@cd_hooks) July 25, 2017

TRUMP: We had some wild orgies back in the 80s. Animalistic
THE PARENTS OF 40,000 BOY SCOUTS: This is something we want our children to hear
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) July 24, 2017

I believe him. pic.twitter.com/MOYKVMgX0u
— Slammin Bod Jeb Lund (@Mobute) July 24, 2017

current mood is “people who don’t want to be next to tj miller” pic.twitter.com/6TizslyHQ4
— brian feldman (@bafeldman) July 24, 2017

It’s finally here – the Lenovo Three-Story Laptop. The team and I worked our asses off on this, and I’m so proud of how it turned out! pic.twitter.com/siQv4viG9E
— Ana Fabrega (@anafabregagood) July 24, 2017

it’s really stupid that reverse flash is another guy that runs fast. his power should be running really slow
— Alex Perry (@Yelix) July 24, 2017

“let me be very clear: yogurt. is. too. spicy.” pic.twitter.com/RqNUztcdsX
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) July 24, 2017