The Funniest Tweets of the Week

Well folks, it’s one of the most wonderful times of the year: the day before Tax Day, and also the day the Pulitzers get announced, and also the day of the Boston Marathon. Today we celebrate the human mind in all its flawed glory; today we honor the human body in all its gasping splendor; today we prepare to give our hard-earned arms and legs to the state. As for me, I also have to go do the eye doctor about how they messed up my prescription, and then I have to buy some stamps, and then I might go to the gym. Wow!! Okay, thanks for clicking, bye.

coming out as trans on twitter: everybody is supportive, helpful, kind, would give me the clothes off their backs

coming out as italian on twitter: berated with sopranos quotes, treated like a fat italian chef caricature, immediately called “erica pizzapasta”

— this rebel heart ???? (@babyfacepop) April 9, 2018

speedwalking through the museum and pointing at every installation Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. Mood. M

— jz (@goodplains) April 9, 2018

People make a big deal out of crows remembering human faces but I remember every crow I’ve ever met and it’s torture.

— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) April 14, 2018

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I dropped a box of spaghetti on the ground and accidentally graduated from Art School. pic.twitter.com/X8NdjG6vdY

— Mr. Drinks On Me (@Mr_DrinksOnMe) April 13, 2018

pic.twitter.com/2ASJrmuoOM

— ????? ???? (@plsHelpmysoul) April 11, 2018

When it’s sunny in New York everyone goes absolutely wild for CVS pharmacy pic.twitter.com/gwLqgtMFxf

— Rajat Suresh (@rajat_suresh) April 13, 2018

Stunned by his realization Trump drops his mug & races thru the precinct. But he’s too late— McCabe, now out of sight, abandons his limp & straightens into his proper Comey posture. Comey lights a cig as Mueller drives up. They pull away leaving Trump on the sidewalk, tweeting. https://t.co/bAaQuepfJd

— Rae Sanni (@raesanni) April 13, 2018

does my dog think my bedroom is my crate

is my bedroom my crate

— Amanda Mull (@amandamull) April 13, 2018

My friends, expecting a beautiful high resolution image taken by a professional astrophotographer: So Anna, what does that star you study actually look like?

Me: pic.twitter.com/SB9G8ZmwUZ

— Anna Hughes (@AnnaGHughes) April 12, 2018

The President I Threw The Election For Is Actually Terrible, By James Comey

— Talia Lavin (@chick_in_kiev) April 12, 2018

i had to look at this 8 times to make sure that they actually used a photo of a serial killer standing in front of a rainbow pic.twitter.com/egvBrUGRZ8

— jaboukie young-white (@jaboukie) April 12, 2018

pic.twitter.com/3frEQjzLdJ

— ryan (@yeetztweetz) April 12, 2018

I am calling this now. Trump’s illegitimate son is Logan Paul https://t.co/ladjJgKhkO

— Joseph Carnegie (@JoeCarnegie) April 12, 2018

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Annihilation (2018) https://t.co/hFdc7R53o1

— skylo? (@skyetenorio) April 12, 2018

I’m the only comedian without funny audience stories. Everyone has been attentive and respectful so far. And that respect is mutual. Thanks, all!

— Sam Taggart (@samttaggart) April 12, 2018

currently writing the newest ‘cube’ movie. it’s called superhypercube. essentially the cube is bigger and more deadly. what questions can i answer for you?

— pregnant vaper (@OkButStill) April 12, 2018

My plane is here pic.twitter.com/QBpjD82WIL

— Lifelong Golden Knights Fan (@lib_crusher) April 11, 2018

In retrospect, Don Hertzfeldt’s vision of future Simpsons was wildly optimistic pic.twitter.com/13OvN1RTD6

— rachel jane andelman (@rajandelman) April 10, 2018

most relatable character in grease (by far) is sandy bc she just shows up out of nowhere, contributes nothing and complains, then cuts her own hair and starts bossing everyone around

— doctor peanut (@NINETIREDBUGS) April 12, 2018

little debbie implies the existence of somewhere somehow a larger debbie, a deborah even perhaps

— Caitlin (@caithuls) April 10, 2018

pic.twitter.com/qPS97mZfdz

— best of letterboxd (@bestletterboxd) April 11, 2018

after all these years, i still havent forgotten about that smile pic.twitter.com/wE2MfM4ig8

— dom nero (@dominicknero) April 11, 2018

pic.twitter.com/3MIpKYbDbQ

— Calm Tomb (@CalmTomb) April 11, 2018

If I was in Westworld I would probably yell “that’s Westworld baby!” five times every hour or so.

— Tom Philip (@tommphilip) April 11, 2018

on my way home the song KILLER QUEEN by Queen came on and I realized that all the lyrics I had in my head were stuck from when I was probably 8 and was obsessed with the song, so here are those lyrics pic.twitter.com/be8RSg9KRE

— Nicole Silverberg (@nsilverberg) April 11, 2018

Whoa pic.twitter.com/A8zDAgQn0Z

— Nick Ciarelli (@nickciarelli) April 10, 2018

Me every time my cat does anything: pic.twitter.com/fj6m28wUmY

— Alise Morales (@AliseNavidad) April 10, 2018

well I’m sold pic.twitter.com/fT0pwxNtiB

— Nathan Goldman (@nathangoldman) April 10, 2018

Wow, damn. Attorney-client privilege taught me it was okay to be weird. RIP https://t.co/Xpg6zNgV0g

— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) April 10, 2018

it really hurts my feelings to have to dunk on Lisa like this pic.twitter.com/N9VJjOKGWI

— jes ???? (@jestom) April 10, 2018

The First Law of Historical Equilibrium states that for every time traveler sent back to kill Hitler, there is an equal and opposite time traveler sent back to save Hitler pic.twitter.com/lcukNb6LED

— Marty’s Hoverboard (@MurrayOverboard) April 10, 2018

whenever i hear about a food with somewhat unconventional ingredients i pull the nearest fire alarm. if i hear about spaghetti noodles in chili or chocolate-covered bacon or something, it ends with the police yelling at me. but i will never stop

— Jon Bois (@jon_bois) April 9, 2018

pic.twitter.com/zM9NnJqJMO

— Katie Goldin (@KatieGoldin) April 9, 2018

pic.twitter.com/gFmlItHHua

— Ed Zitron (@edzitron) April 9, 2018