Exciting New Job Opportunities at Facebook, Probably!
Photos via Monkey Business Images/Shutterstock and Alexey Boldin/Shutterstock
After Facebook Live’s first broadcasted murder surfaced earlier this month—never forget your first time—the Silicon Valley monolith has taken it upon itself to hire three thousand new employees to monitor livestreams to avoid future disasters. That’s not the only new precautionary division in the works, though, and we were given a first look at what job applications we can expect to see popping up on Craigslist and flagpoles in the next several weeks.
That’s how Facebook recruits people, right?
Embarrassing Content Manager
After the sudden, shocking realization that the shitty art they insist on posting on their Facebook profiles is actually profoundly bad, contrived and boring, a new team is being contacted to suspend users who are bumming out other Facebook members with their garbage hobbies and dreams. The ideal candidate will have already failed at their own fond endeavors (ex. folk music, developing an app for pirating a single episode of Frasier and nothing else, being a good parent) and will be eager to tear down the ambitions of others.
Candidate must be capable of developing a software that flags shitty art to Facebook users, preferably with large, glittery text reading “Look At This Tryhard Asshole! Booo! Boring!” and a sound effect that layers an air horn with a stadium full of cruelly laughing children. Preferably clinically depressed, resigned to a life of punching down.
Mental Health Quality Analyst; Tagged Photos Division
A new position designed for a logistically-minded candidate with compassion for emotionally vulnerable Facebook users with a surplus of time. Position involves monitoring which Facebook users have crushes that, if we’re being honest, don’t have a fucking chance of panning out, and identifying the inevitable moment when the user in question mistakenly likes a picture tagged more than five years ago of the object of their affections. Candidate must then immediately call a 51/50 on Facebook user, ensuring they are institutionalized for no less than six months, or at least until the object of their affections begins dating someone better-looking than the hospitalized users.
Candidate must not tell public hospitals Facebook is doing this, must have proof of being sexually rejected by at least five people or animals with embarrassing lifestyles or professions (ex. magicians, anything in finance) as evidence that they can identify a lost cause.
Emerging “Reactions” Developer
This new position is designed for those on the cutting edge of overly specific emotions shared between users. Should be able to identify when a Facebook user is merely interacting with a fellow user’s post because they are not trying to seem jealous, are trying to fuck, merely want attention or some sinister combination of the three. Some recent reactions developed by this department include:
“I am glad that you’re happy and seem to have found new purpose in life since abandoning improv comedy after seven years and $8,000 in class fees but Jesus, Mike, your child is so fucking ugly,” “foot,” “not liking because I read it, liking because a lot of other people did and I refuse to be forgotten,” “I don’t know if you’re seeing someone right now but I miss you and I hope things work out,” “it seems like you’ve put enthusiasm for a band/television program/cause where a personality should go but hey who am I to judge,” “I am better than you, I have always been better than you,” “I need you to know I exist but if we ever make eye contact I’ll burst through a glass door because I do not know how to talk to people,” “Robert Durst is innocent,” “Robert Durst is not related to Fred Durst and if you’re trying to make a joke it’s not fucking funny,” “baby deer.”