Come Work at Facebook Watching Livestreamed Murders, Perhaps!

Do you have eyes that work and a psyche that can withstand witnessing multiple acts of violence? Are you passionate enough about social media that you are willing to expose yourself to potentially traumatic events? Then you may be the perfect candidate for this terrible position that is tragically necessary. Facebook is looking for energetic self-starters to join our growing team of livestream surveillance associates. This quirky branch of our company monitors our users’ usage of our livestream feature, just to make sure they are not using it for stuff like murder or child exploitation.

That is right, hang on to your beanies, because if you are lucky enough to be selected as a candidate for this job, you will be going on a wild ride of human atrocities, unfolding in real time and probably too fast for you to do anything but report the horrifying thing you just witnessed. If you like movies and possess enough empathy to keep paying attention to the livestream which at any moment might become a pageant of horrors, but not so much empathy that you are permanently scarred and unable to continue performing your job after the first soul-crushing thing you see, then please, please, dear lord, please read on!

Required Skills:

-Familiarity with our company user agreement and policy—which does not allow for the wanton destruction of human life, nor the spewing of racist bile, nor forcing a minor to do something ungodly infant of a webcam—all of which you very well might see within a single 24-hour period.

-Ability to sit for long periods at a time, even when your entire body is begging you to avert your eyes from the monstrous behaviors of your fellow human beings.

-Ability to write detailed reports of the grotesque events for which you were an impotent spectator, just to make extra sure it is forever tattooed into your memory.

-A passion for policing the flagrant and disturbing abuse of something we introduced with the best intentions for fun stuff, like birthday parties.

-A realistic understanding of the human race as an imperfect species, and a sensible interpretation of historical narratives which leaves open the possibility that everyone, including yourself, is capable of barbaric acts, not just a few bad guys like Hitler and the mean characters in 12 Years a Slave.

Minimum Qualifications: