At home a nation stared at its screens and also stared at its smaller screens and sometimes even stared at additional screens within that first screen, a feedback loop of constant stimulus and instant response shared globally through the hard-won miracle of science, a stream of immediate reactions jabbed furiously into a phone as the hard men pummeled each other and as previews of teasers for movie trailers flowered and faded away and as truck ads distorted and commercialized messages from civil rights martyrs.
Sometimes those reactions were at least kind of funny?
Here are some examples. Maybe you will agree. Maybe you live in Philadelphia and are currently too busy trying to crawl from the wreckage that was once your historic city to read a hastily dashed off series of embedded tweets. Don’t worry: this content isn’t ever going away. Once the internet has been restored to the burnt out hole that was once the site of our nation’s founding you’ll easily be able to scroll these bona fide kneeslappers and hardcore chucklers. And that’s a promise!
I wish I had the intestinal fortitude to block anyone who pulls some “sportsball” bullshit tomorrow. You KNOW it’s a fucking football. You know that.
Hey gang I feel like I owe you all a detailed and extremely huffy explanation of precisely why I am not watching a sporting event on TV later today. [1/18]
Enjoy your “SJW Bowl” full of kneeling crybabies. I’ll be watching the XFL’s proof-of-concept exhibition “America Bowl.” It’s being played on the Pacific Garbage Patch, streaming on 4 chan, and refs have been replaced with explosive roombas.
OSCAR: So, will Philly freak out and burn everything they lose? ME: Yes. OSCAR: And if they win? ME: Yes. OSCAR: So… ME: THE ONLY WAY TO WIN IS NOT TO PLAY.
Hi this commercial is playing Nirvana’s All Apologies on a xylophone while we stare at babies and I waited to see if it was for Planned Parenthood before talking shit about it but it’s for T-Mobile so BY ALL MEANS WHAT THE FUCK
If the Eagles win you’ll get to see someone dressed as Ben Franklin shitting in a garbage can filled with fireworks in Philadelphia, which you can also see if the Eagles do not win.
Remember that everyone on The Eagles and The Patriots has seen each other naked and frequently touch each other intimately on the bottom. Win or lose, their bodies will be flooded with hormones, they’ll be excited and confused. Who knows what will happen next.
When I was a kid there was no YouTube so it was hard to get videos of guys getting kicked in the nuts, which is why Super Bowl ads were such a big deal back then.
