The Funniest Tweets of the Week

Happy 8th of July everybody. We hope you spent the 4th with people you love, and maybe made a donation to RAICES (the Refugee and Immigrant Center for Education and Legal Services) to give back to others trying to celebrate the freedom we get. Of course, you could have just gotten drunk or eaten too many veggie dogs. We aren’t your parents. What we are is your friendly local compilers of fine Tweets, and good lord do we have a batch for you this week. So grab some leftovers from the fridge and enjoy the funniest tweets of the week. It’s your patriotic duty.

3 WOMEN AND 30 DUDES WHAT IS THIS A COMEDY CLUB LINEUP ? https://t.co/sn43FUh158

— Chelsea Peretti (@chelseaperetti) June 29, 2019

sick of the violent monsters of antifa treating me badly, throwing eggs at me etc just for the simple crime of advancing my favorite cause, fascism

— matt lubchansky (@Lubchansky) June 29, 2019

19 yr old me:
making sure I’m ready hours before a show
meeting up w/ my friends
standing in line to get a good spot close to the stage

29 yr old me:
waiting for traffic to die down before heading out alone to see the one band I want to see. Ok w/ standing in the back.

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— sam (@sam_ash) June 30, 2019

New film “Yesterday” imagines a nightmare world where boomer cultural hegemony never ends

— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) June 30, 2019

I just took a super sexy pic of myself that I was gonna send to this dude I’m seeing but then I realized my underwear say, “I love you” so now I just have to hold onto this picture until I’m in love so I can send it like it’s fresh the way I assume men do with dick pics.

— Jessica Michelle Singleton (@JMScomedy) June 29, 2019

The American Apparel empire deserved to collapse they made shirts designed exclusively to emphasize pitstains and it was essentially domestic terrorism

— Anya Volz (@AnyaVolz) June 30, 2019

I’m always the friendliest to my friends’ boyfriends & then when they break up I’m vicious about things like the guy’s hair and voice and the guy is always like “but I thought you actually liked me!” and I’m like “bitch that was nothing—just a trick of the light!”

— Amy Silverberg (@AmySilverberg) June 30, 2019

i ordered food and the dude delivering was like “i put a movie in there for u” and i was expecting it to be a visual album for a mixtape or something but it was just a bootleg copy of any given sunday pic.twitter.com/ijGBycD6ht

— jaboukie (@jaboukie) June 30, 2019

Drink toilet water to own the libs, Tamy. https://t.co/WAup7DjJkc

— Brock Wilbur (@brockwilbur) July 1, 2019

Anyone over the age of thirty with a large group of friends is mentally ill.

— Tim Dillon (@TimJDillon) July 1, 2019

Someone at a show last night told me I have whopper hands and I didn’t know what they meant til I googled it this morning. Hahaha fuck dude. I won’t be able to make eye contact with anyone for weeks pic.twitter.com/JkaSsuyoz2

— Conntent McNett (@conner_mcnutt) July 1, 2019

sad lesbian threat levels
low – early Sleater-Kinney with 3 Jewel songs mixed in
guarded – full on Tegan and Sara
elevated – Tori Amos but only “Little Earthquakes”
high – Fiona Apple but mostly “Paper Bag” on repeat
severe – Ani DiFranco

— ashley ray (@arayyay) July 2, 2019

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What it’s like growing up southern and being a fan of @TheRock and not @steveaustinBSRhttps://t.co/foHEGK7NMOpic.twitter.com/m7mWN4ybvc

— Jason Webb (@UhhhJasonWebb) July 2, 2019

I’ll be damned, he did turn the other cheek. pic.twitter.com/REO53sxUVF

— Corey Ryan Forrester First Of His Name (@CoreyRForrester) July 3, 2019

the military parade thing is cool because you either think it’s the dawn of fascism or the greatest moment of honor in the nation’s history but it happened because Donald Trump misremembered something and thinks Hendrik Hertzberg said he’d never be able to start a parade in 1981

— replying to media co. and calling them “my dude” (@ByYourLogic) July 3, 2019

Can’t wait for the wave of “How Ari Aster’s Midsommar Made Me Want to Be a Better Boyfriend” essays.

— Alex McElroy (@abmcelroy1) July 3, 2019

conservatives: cancel culture has gone so mad that you cant even write about the merits of death penalty for women who have abortions without getting cancelled

also conservatives: GILLETTE IS CANCELLED. NIKE IS CANCELLED. LITTLE MERMAID IS CANCELLED. YOU’RE ALL CANCELLED.

— saeen (@saeen90_) July 4, 2019

Me: why’s the house shaking?

Her: earthquake

Me: damn, he must be killin

— Kenny DeForest (@KennyDeForest) July 4, 2019

POLITICAL ME: Damn, he gave a solid answer.

BLACK ME: The ribs are burning, The ribs are burning, The ribs are burning. Too muck smoke coming off that grill. it too hot. The ribs are burning, The ribs are burning. https://t.co/93dl1qmShB

— Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi (@roywoodjr) July 4, 2019

If a girl sends you nudes you better act like it’s the first time you’ve ever seen a titty okay?

— lil nugget (@JenBretty) July 4, 2019

today is the 7th anniversary of san diego accidentally setting off their entire show at the same time, resulting in the funniest and most efficient fireworks show ever

(CAUTION: LOUD ) pic.twitter.com/4qJ2h63HFy

— tiger swan lady (@mrs_hippiequeen) July 4, 2019

The Fact Remains That Your A Guy From Reddit, And Im A Guy Who Posts On A Website Thats Somewhat More Prestigious Than Reddit

— wint (@dril) July 5, 2019