The Funniest Tweets of the Week
Photo courtesy of Getty Images
Welp, self-quarantining is about to get a lot duller with no more basketball games to watch. A truly wild week continues as the NBA, MLB, Major League Soccer, and Spanish soccer league La Liga have suspended their seasons; the NCAA has basically cancelled March Madness; and even Disneyland is going to close for only the fourth time ever. Also, our president cannot read or is blind or both and is very stupid. Terrible news after terrible news has befallen us but possibly nothing more disturbing has happened this week than Sarah Palin performing on The Masked Singer. It’s time to cancel all major events and also that show. In the meantime, take a break from freaking out and read some of the funniest tweets of the week because you really, really need it right now.
Of course everyone’s socially distancing right when my hair gets good
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) March 11, 2020
Tomorrow when your mom texts you that Tom Hanks has the Coronavirus. Don’t tell her you already know. Let her have this one.
— Tommy Johnagin (@tommyjohnagin) March 12, 2020
Aaron Shock threw the first brick at gay people.
— Cole Escola (@ColeEscola) March 7, 2020
telling me i suck:
kinda truebut i already knowand it makes me feel badbeing nice to me:
please?— hey buddy comics (@heybuddycomic) March 9, 2020
Me: agh shoot I was hoping I could just leave a voicemail
911 dispatch: what
— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) March 9, 2020
Last Fall I lost so much weight people asked if my marriage was alright and that’s really what I’m trying to get back to. “Things okay at home?”-hot.
— John-Michael Bond (@BondJohnBond) March 10, 2020
Tulsi Gabbard is a phoenix that flew out of Jill Stein’s recount money.
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) March 10, 2020
[welcoming someone into my home] sorry about the mess I’ve been sick for four days and a terrible housekeeper my whole life
— The Girl Who Came to Stay (@Mom_Overboard) March 10, 2020
THINGS THAT AREN’T PERSONALITY TRAITS:
-liking the office
-having a dog
-being ketoTHINGS THAT ARE PERSONALITY TRAITS:
-drinking iced coffee
-being late
-nose piercings
-apathy of whether you live or die of Corona
-listening to true crime podcasts— 1984’s George Whorewell (@EwdatsGROSS) March 11, 2020
if your dog stretches and you dont say “OH BIG STRETCH” every single time then you are a psychopath and i dont want to know you
— Andrew Lawrence (@ndrew_lawrence) March 11, 2020
The wage gap isn’t real. Men just tend to go for higher paying jobs, like doctor, engineer and CEO. Whereas women go for lower paying jobs like female doctor, female engineer and female CEO.
— REECE’S (@reeces) March 10, 2020
alanis morissette: i want you to know that i’m happy for you
ex boyfriend: aww 🙂
alanis morissette: i wish nothing but the best for you both
ex boyfriend: thank you, it’s good that you’re taking it so wel-
alanis morissette: deep breath
— Indy (@IndecisiveJones) March 11, 2020
all yall “spit in my mouth” girls suspiciously silent lately… aint no freaks in foxholes
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) March 11, 2020
Rudy Gobert shut down the whole league. If he doesn’t get Defensive Player of the Year now y’all tripping
— Langston Kerman (@LangstonKerman) March 12, 2020
At Soul Cycle I heard a girl say, “suddenly herpes doesn’t sound so bad” & her friend immediately responded, “yes it does. Good try though Molly”.
— Hanna Dickinson (@hansdickie) March 12, 2020
a student I used to teach is now a signed drill rapper. Now I’m attentively listening to his music for any ‘my teacher said I won’t be shit’ lyrics ….cos I too will pull up to studio
— Caleb (@CalebFemi_) March 12, 2020
I’ve worked from home for like a decade or something now so here’s my advice:
wipes cheetos fingers on shirt
1. Make sure t
drops phone into toilet
— Joey Ellis (@joeyellis) March 11, 2020
I’ve been trying to make some positive changes, so I’ve decided to stop being so snide, as soon as it stops being so fun and effective.
— Elena Lifewaster Jr. (@elunatyk) March 12, 2020
Running to the store. Y’all need anything else? pic.twitter.com/dKTsaDKmOI
— Reeezy (@MsReeezy) March 12, 2020
mental health tip for twitter users: instead of https://t.co/Su1rqeGses, type twitter.calm into the address bar. twitter will not load.
— Patches (@Mostly_Cheese) March 12, 2020