The Funniest Tweets of the Week

Finally: It is once again Monday, the day everyone loves and looks forward to. Whereas yesterday it was Sunday and tomorrow it will be Tuesday, today is that one day reserved for the beginning of the week, and so many other beginnings too: emails, memos, projects, games of phone tag, games of regular tag, probably a new podcast or web series is coming out. Life—it’s just so full of life. Every week I like to make what I call a New Week’s Resolution, and this week it’s to just have some damn fun for once, why don’t I. What’s yours? Also, here are the tweets:

Saw a girl in a Ramones shirt & asked her to name her five favorite songs & she just looked at me & said nothing. Then her mom was like, “She’s 11 months old.”

— Caissie St.Onge (@Caissie) February 8, 2018

I’m over young Han Solo, give me Timothee Chalamet as young Fran Lebowitz. pic.twitter.com/L4XRiRb9K8

— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) February 5, 2018

You guys. My post in this Flat Earth discussion group got approved. I’m crying. pic.twitter.com/Ju6MzP7ZbA

— Eric (@canceric) February 10, 2018

Before he met Stills, Nash and Young, David Crosby was a member of a less successful band… pic.twitter.com/eOPkUjhdTh

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— Bristol Uni Library (@BristolUniLib) February 9, 2018

today we mourn a legend pic.twitter.com/lRQ8EuXWHQ

— jaboukie young-black (@jaboukie) February 9, 2018

Dunkirk isn’t even that funny

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) February 11, 2018

When you try to write in another genre pic.twitter.com/XLuyHx6VZ6

— Lincoln Michel (@TheLincoln) February 10, 2018

Very proud of my dad. Yesterday he sent me his longest URL yet. it’s 470 characters. just incredible pic.twitter.com/jcgN5B3d7w

— jeremy levick (@levickjeremy) February 11, 2018

On rare occasions, Google will radically change the way that their logo appears on their homepage, turning the letters into a bunch of dogs or even trains. This phenomenon is known as the “Weird Google Logo”, and it is definitely worth checking out.

— Zach Dunn (@ZachBDunn) February 10, 2018

this take is bad, but I don’t blame Bret; I blame Bret Stephens’ many professors who failed to hold him underwater https://t.co/debx8cp9a7

— Spike Friedman (@SpikeFriedman) February 10, 2018

My advice to young comics is to remember that what you’re doing is dumb, you’re not a philosopher you’re a funny person who likes attention, and drinking your own kool-aid will rot your brain.

— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) February 9, 2018

workers of Tesla: simply unionise and then demand the rollercoaster https://t.co/HVX7F2tIPi

— Karl (@karlusss) February 9, 2018

1. Hello pic.twitter.com/jzjeE72KiK

— S (@seanbgoneill) February 8, 2018

when i don’t use Waze pic.twitter.com/yw3slXiiRz

— kim ?? (@KimmyMonte) February 8, 2018

my all time favorite thing is photos of celebrities dealing with the ocean pic.twitter.com/47AzOltF5N

— cass w. (@dawnweiners) February 8, 2018

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my dog has turned into a 45 year old gross facebook selfie guy pic.twitter.com/4o0HCytHLu

— concept grasper (@OkButStill) February 8, 2018

pic.twitter.com/XNnGvSAgYH

— michael (@dogboner) February 8, 2018

really excited for driverless cars because after they come out i can drive with my hands like this everywhere i go pic.twitter.com/SeQsWPg5rj

— Rajat Suresh (@rajat_suresh) February 8, 2018

pic.twitter.com/dRUD81wYlz

— samantha carter (@a_nice_frog) February 6, 2018

thinking about the libertarian presidential debate again pic.twitter.com/ROSp4VyF5E

— reaghan (@reaghanhunt) February 7, 2018

they haven’t remade forrest gump because they can’t figure out a tasteful way to make him the center of 9/11

— alex (@shitshowdotinfo) February 7, 2018

i find it kind of funny,

i find it kind of sad

if seinfeld on tv today,

…jery get ipad

— Jordan Fraade (@schadenfraade) October 22, 2017

one way Crashing could save a lot of money is by introducing a plot arc where Pete Holmes’ character hosts a cable talk show for two years

— Django Gold (@django) February 6, 2018

Love to “commit to solutions that make progress towards” pic.twitter.com/zNZK1VAOL9

— Adam H. Johnson (@adamjohnsonNYC) February 6, 2018

Tell Cersei it was me pic.twitter.com/9l6PAHBBRV

— Marc (@MarcSnetiker) February 6, 2018

oh yeah, The Shape Of Water was great, I love that director, uh, what was his name, uh… Oh, right, pic.twitter.com/YCBYKUk8DJ

— Charlotte From Tweets ???? (@Cyberbunbun) February 5, 2018

When I wake up to a fresh new day in my racecar bed pic.twitter.com/q5pTxoUIA3

— giri (@girinathan) February 6, 2018

When you compare the size of a gummy worm versus a gummy bear, it starts to paint a horrific picture of the gummy universe.

— “Ian” Abramson (@ianabramson) February 1, 2018

we’‘re like 2 years away from a Super Bowl ad that is just slowed-down footage of 9/11 set to choral music and at the end the Taco Bell logo appears in the smoke

— Harry Cheadle (@HCheadle) February 5, 2018

waving bone club around in anger because money number go down

— ????Book Hater???? (@crushingbort) February 5, 2018