The Funniest Tweets of the Week

Hey there were some pretty good tweets last week! Better than the average week, by my calculations, which are extensive and accurate. Here’s hoping we’ve got another great week of content ahead of us, be it text-based, image-based, video-based or even some combination of the above. But even if this week sucks and is bad, at least we’ll always have last week, which sucked and was good. And as usual, if you disagree with any of my selections, please do NOT contact me, I am VERY busy. Bye:

Imagine a whole Hawk at your front door ready to square tf up pic.twitter.com/7R1Q7hwDRq

— AJ the Negro (@RespekMyAt) March 31, 2018

I dont know if I like the direction these TV reboots are headed pic.twitter.com/cXh8lKrxBR

— Joseph Carnegie (@JoeCarnegie) April 1, 2018

friend: grieving i’m going to die alone
me: i’m going to die after days of being tortured for important secrets i refuse to reveal while the people i am protecting are patched through to a live feed and watching safely/helplessly from far, far away

— KING RAINHEAD (@KingRainhead) April 1, 2018

Huge fan of protons. Electrons can go fuck themselves.

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— Dave Anthony is not a cop (@daveanthony) April 1, 2018

Grateful that my line at this Seder is just my normal catchphrase. pic.twitter.com/I6VeTJr4TE

— George Civeris (@georgeciveris) April 1, 2018

cool pic.twitter.com/owh7MTDJtN

— clare o’kane (@babysfirstgun) March 31, 2018

Tfw u hate a lizard https://t.co/XGcGfpuJVq

— ???????????????????????? ???????????????????????? (@RYLANDDUNCAN) March 31, 2018

roseanne (tv character): well dan i like trump because he cares about working people like us
roseanne (real person): trump is secretly exposing obama’s plot to sell christian children to the lizard people

— mark (@kept_simple) March 31, 2018

I’m sorry but Detective Pikachu being a wholly different entity from Pikachu is where I tap out. I am too old for this

— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) March 30, 2018

The whole Shakespeare Association of America loves the eternal bard, a lovely bard who writes plays and poems four centuries later We regret to inform you the bard is Edward de Vere

— Michael Lutz (@WarrenIsDead) March 30, 2018

pic.twitter.com/EiH07OMCBw

— fff (@UKIPBLACKPOOL_) March 30, 2018

The fact that firemen use a pole really highlights how none of us have to get to where we’re going that badly

— rachel jane andelman (@rajandelman) March 30, 2018

pic.twitter.com/w1LNFXCGAa

— Chanel (@circusgoth) March 30, 2018

pic.twitter.com/1jdRzH3EDm

— ceeks (@70Ceeks) March 29, 2018

If you liked “Making a Murderer” and “Serial” then you will LOVE that I just killed someone and am now denying it

— mike sacks (@michaelbsacks) March 29, 2018

i mean pic.twitter.com/WyTgSqxaiq

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— dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) March 30, 2018

pic.twitter.com/keozZKxsPo

— ????Insatiable Gun Taker???? (@crushingbort) March 29, 2018

my fav part of SNL’s Facebook page is when people pitch their own sketches in the comments pic.twitter.com/VchNzmNQdZ

— Chelsea Christian (@chelsea_xtian) March 30, 2018

At long last, an accessory that will allow me to express my enthusiasm for the weekend pic.twitter.com/RWPC3V0NWh

— Michelle Spies (@spies_please) March 29, 2018

When anyone says anything even slightly less than positive about me https://t.co/02n3Zw8×1Q

— Kath Barbadoro (@kathbarbadoro) March 29, 2018

i regret to inform you that this has been brought to my attention pic.twitter.com/KLNSNoDpEl

— lan-tzah ball (@_lanabelle) March 29, 2018

Don’t judge the new Roseanne till you’ve seen all of it. Yes, she starts out hyperconservative, but by the end of the season she’s evolved and is fighting for ISIS in Syria

— pixelated boat [ASMR] binaural _{4 hours} (@pixelatedboat) March 28, 2018

pic.twitter.com/919uRNOsKR

— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) March 29, 2018

ive always loved this michael burton quote pic.twitter.com/UnC93sNVOS

— Andrea More (@amore_orless) March 29, 2018

Flipped this open in a bookstore and this was the first sentence I read. Imagine the knowledge he’s laying down in all the other sentences pic.twitter.com/uNPhtk4foy

— Hayes Davenport (@hayesdavenport) March 29, 2018

Sometimes taking the risk pays off pic.twitter.com/AQzzrIVaXB

— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) March 28, 2018

SENATE BAILIFF: Raise your right hand. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and—

MARK ZUCKERBERG [with a big fake smile]: So, that’s a great question, and it’s something everyone at Facebook is really passionate about

— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) March 27, 2018

HOBO 1: hey I found some trash meat
HOBO 2: oh wow I found some stale bread
HOBO 1: I also found some gross old cheese whiz
HOBO 2: let’s make disgusting sandwiches
SOME GUY FROM 1930’s PHILADELPHIA: this is our official food now

— KT NELSON (@KrangTNelson) March 28, 2018

Every time you fight a famous person on here a bunch of random people chime in to be like “don’t you listen to him , Paul Giamatti!!! You’re better than him! Come on let’s get out of here”

— Jake Flores (@feraljokes) March 28, 2018

pic.twitter.com/ZVLy1YTXey

— grace perry (@perryjetaime) March 28, 2018

when someone put their lunch in the fridge and it pushed mine way in the back pic.twitter.com/WXxX1gtLIh

— fella’s guy (@OkButStill) March 28, 2018

Comedians, whose livelihoods are determined by people standing up and clapping at their jokes, love to remind you that they don’t care what you think about their jokes

— Ryan (@Integrity_Guy) March 26, 2018

When I found out my dad does no shows a week I beat the shit out of him.

— Carmen Christopher (@CarmChristopher) March 27, 2018

had to stop and catch my breath pic.twitter.com/D4gZeHojhO

— doctor peanut (@NINETIREDBUGS) March 27, 2018

huge fan of standup comics that hate twitter because of the feedback they get on it but decide it’s a sacrifice that must be made so they can continue posting terrible tweet versions of their material

— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) March 28, 2018

i think a fight is about to break out in the subway i’m on pic.twitter.com/q1Mfod38S4

— GeekDad401 (@woag_) March 27, 2018

Types of Jewish holidays:
1. Suffer now like we suffered then
2. These people tried to kill us but we killed them
3. ??? Trees I guess

— Hana Michels (@HanaMichels) March 27, 2018

This seems inappropriate for a choking sign. pic.twitter.com/7NUrrdbHTv

— Rajat Suresh (@rajat_suresh) March 27, 2018

I have a million dollar prize offer for the first journalist who can write about sports and business without using a sports pun. It has gone unclaimed. pic.twitter.com/93XG5Tu5sX

— Matt Powers (@MattPowersESQ) March 27, 2018

Big thanks to @andersoncooper for letting me ask Stormy a question last night.

I have always dreamed of asking Stormy if she “has any tips for an aspiring writer.” pic.twitter.com/xAOrUBs8Ag

— Harris Mayersohn (@harrismayer) March 26, 2018

I’m a garbage human being. pic.twitter.com/oiXEwb87xu

— Rebecca Pahle (@RebeccaPahle) March 25, 2018

terrifying pic.twitter.com/Svy6FnDi1e

— Josh Fruhlinger (@jfruh) March 26, 2018