A couple things happened last week. For one, Kanye did a bunch of tweets and then everyone quote-tweeted those tweets. Later, Trump responded to those tweets. Even later than that (I think?), Trump and Emmanuel Macron planted a tree. Then, later still, that tree vanished! Somewhere in the middle, or maybe after, Michelle Wolf did a very good funny monologue at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, which everyone proceeded to throw a conniption over because everyone is a big moron. Oh, and also a so-called “royal baby” was born! Good job to that baby, can’t wait to see him on Twitter. Speaking of which:
— ?????????????????? (@yungnazbol) April 25, 2018
No offense but does Lin Manuel Miranda realize that his tweets sound like something a kidnapper would say before they leave you alone in a sound-proofed room they built in their basement pic.twitter.com/JJGWQcMORt
— dana bell (@danacbell) April 28, 2018
did anyone ever take that guy to church
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) April 29, 2018
— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) April 30, 2018
Listen up, fives. A ten is swimming.pic.twitter.com/vSZ0Bg2YoR
— Andréa López (@bluechoochoo) April 29, 2018
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) April 29, 2018
me reaching for my phone after 5 minutes of free writing in my journal pic.twitter.com/RICqY5Whgp
— Catherine Cohen (@catccohen) April 27, 2018
Shameful! Sarah Huckabee Sanders went to the WHCD to be gently ribbed about constantly lying to the American people to defend this awful administration, not roundly mocked!
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) April 29, 2018
The industry of buying things specifically to horrify your cat is one I fully support. pic.twitter.com/AB95knSlWv
— Simon Barrett (@Simon_Barrett) April 28, 2018
holding hand to earpiece & whispering into shoulder sir.. theyre onto us pic.twitter.com/qBTrrhBEac
— TORMABLAIEFDHZSJKLNBDSFEJKL PICKASDFJKLFDSNMKOFDSJ (@Tormny_Pickeals) April 28, 2018
My fav quote about very hot water pic.twitter.com/4gz2NL1jq6
— Jewel Galbraith (@jewelfg) April 28, 2018
uh, i can’t believe nobody is talking about Future’s super weird rap from the end credits of AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR??? it doesn’t even spoil the movie… despite playing AFTER the movie!! managed to sneak a video and transcribe the lyrics- hope Disney doesn’t take this down!!! pic.twitter.com/n1bBlSZoEJ
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) April 28, 2018
I don’t mean to be harsh but i think in time they will get over it https://t.co/HshMmjoez4
— j.r. hennessy (@jrhennessy) April 28, 2018
when conservatives claim they’re the party of freedom pic.twitter.com/MsNfxK7gny
— maura quint (@behindyourback) April 28, 2018
I’ve been through the desert on a pic.twitter.com/k9nEn97F4F
— Mr. Fuck (@gewqk) April 24, 2018
going to a restaurant in 8 hours so it’s time to start reading the menu. i have to read it 400 times before i get there so that I only have to read it 10-15 times once i’m there pic.twitter.com/lgd1ahOeDg
— nicole boyce (@nicolewboyce) April 27, 2018
House Chaplain: Blessed are the Poor, for they shall—
Paul Ryan [grabbing the microphone]: BE VERY SATISFIED WITH THE EXTRA 73 CENTS ON THEIR PAYCHECKS, THANKS PADRE
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) April 27, 2018
why doesn’t prince george, the largest royal baby, not simply eat the other two? pic.twitter.com/NCHGxLzT9q
— ryan ???? (@ryxnf) April 25, 2018
PR crisis management rule number one: never EVER say “I apologise for past remarks, my views have very obviously changed since then” when you could instead concoct a bafflingly flimsy and extremely embarrassing lie
— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) April 27, 2018
Just my opinion pic.twitter.com/ZpqW5lwQW1
— jeremy levick (@levickjeremy) April 26, 2018
I watched this ENTIRE Netflix documentary before I realized it’s not about a mic lineup before me pic.twitter.com/gSiQBrKVrC
— Hana Michels (@HanaMichels) April 25, 2018
[on phone to mum]
Mum: how’s Australia?
Me: there’s a dingo eating a shark and two snakes are rooting on the beach
Mum: *laughs and scolds me for speaking in an uncouth manner
Me: *sends SMS
Mum: WTF?pic.twitter.com/bLw2PyiFHA
— The Cool Hand Luke (@MaverickBistro) April 25, 2018
Me: this is a good enjoyable show
Someone On Line: I don’t like this show and it’s bad, Actually
Me: oh you’re right. I’m a complete fool who’s been blind— Chanel (@circusgoth) April 25, 2018
Maybe it’s because I’ve watched 50 episodes of Frasier this past week, but the Joy Reid thing reminds me of when Frasier wouldn’t say some ad copy and kept heightening until he accidentally got the whole radio station fired
— rachel jane andelman (@rajandelman) April 25, 2018
me: oh hey venom
venom: what’s up bitch
me: venom stooop
venom: ???? bitch
me: uUHHH pic.twitter.com/DK0AwbyV9i— ally SAW IW X2 (@babydaredevil) April 24, 2018
The foolish man picks up the $1 bill he finds on the ground.
The wise man ignores the $1 bill and walks around until he finds a $100 bill.
— Brendan O’Hare (@brendohare) April 24, 2018
a lot going on here…… pic.twitter.com/deSKEsaXZU
— Mitra Jouhari (@tweetrajouhari) April 25, 2018
I cannot draw. Here is a comic about birds. pic.twitter.com/77ztVzVPqS
— Michelle Spies (@spies_please) April 23, 2018
prepare to meet thy Focker
— wint (@dril) April 24, 2018
im a comedy fan, and by that of course i mean i hate all comedy
— therm scissorpunch (@jackallisonLOL) April 24, 2018
God of War is just A Goofy Movie with a bald guy. pic.twitter.com/n2fwB6RitW
— Danos for Thanos (in Berlin) (@GameDesignDan) April 23, 2018
Did… Did The Rock just… Give birth? pic.twitter.com/QGPNTMhubQ
— Jake Flores (@feraljokes) April 24, 2018
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) April 23, 2018