The Funniest Tweets of the Week

Let’s see, what happened last week, oh right, Roseanne lost her show, lol, then the right tried to get Bill Maher fired too, fingers crossed!, then they all went apeshit over Samantha Bee, holy hell. Big week in comedy! In other news, archaeologists excavating Pompeii, site of the famous volcanic eruption at Pompeii, discovered the skeleton of a guy who survived the eruption and promptly got beaned in the head by a big ol’ slab of rock, which has to be funnier than anything I’ve heard in months. Well, except maybe these tweets:

pic.twitter.com/L8O8Nfji2M

— Chanel (@circusgoth) June 4, 2018

am I going insane pic.twitter.com/qrUj2EyCMG

— cold can of Hamms in tour hand (@intellegint) June 3, 2018

Can anyone help? pic.twitter.com/qmqadH1sjE

— Alex Lee (@alex_c_lee) June 3, 2018

too bad the stupid beaver got in the way https://t.co/lS8BRDqcQ0

— Insatiable Gun Taker (@crushingbort) June 3, 2018

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this new season of dr. who fucking sucks pic.twitter.com/v2W1581CVx

— Endless Bummer (@LasagnaGarden) June 2, 2018

Sorry, but this is bullshit. Icecream is almost always successful, only when the machine is in use and they try to make a panna cotta are people truly fucked. Also you cannot make rice in 20 minutes. Thank you, that’s my time, for many years I thought you could eat rare pork. pic.twitter.com/6ypAVslrVC

— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) June 2, 2018

When you reply to the President’s posts pic.twitter.com/rK1DekZMnA

— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) June 3, 2018

Each sentence is somehow worse than the last pic.twitter.com/9ON301acLF

— Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) June 2, 2018

I have a friend crashing at my place while some stuff blows over. I’m not allowed to say who she is but let’s just say it’s not the FIRST time a LADY needed to get away from it all and clear her head. Anyway we’re kinda running out of shit to do if anyone has Netflix recs

— Chris Scott (@iamchrisscott) June 2, 2018

I will never let you go pic.twitter.com/KrVGubgeOV

— Marcia Belsky (@MarciaBelsky) June 1, 2018

pic.twitter.com/uQYbHsjg5j

— Sam Rosenfeld (@sam_rosenfeld) June 1, 2018

people focus on all the weird rightwing subtext in Ender’s Game, but the wildest part of the book is Orson Scott Card’s depiction of Ender’s brother as meritocratically rising to become ruler of earth by Posting Online

— Gregory Possum-Liker (@cat_beltane) June 1, 2018

oh she dead https://t.co/ow29ClsFnY

— FIONA (@BigHPrivateEye) May 30, 2018

pic.twitter.com/JgayhjHOC1

— Mike Migdall (@ItsMigdallTime) June 1, 2018

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huh…. this is a interesting choice pic.twitter.com/7LsOJLHLnj

— Dan Licata (@danlicatasucks) May 31, 2018

Lol pic.twitter.com/IapkUxrSPI

— Justin Rogers (@Justin_Rogers) May 31, 2018

pic.twitter.com/NMC9VD2e8V

— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) May 30, 2018

[to my assembled family and friends] thank you everyone for coming. I’m sorry to say I’ve started using again.
[my mother starts crying quietly]
That’s right. Using, false pretences to bring people together with exciting investment opportunities

— TOM (@tomwalkerisgood) May 29, 2018

fool me once, fuck you, fool me twice cut it out asshole stop fooling me

— Mike F (@mikefossey) May 30, 2018

sometimes the covers of the new yorker are simply so poignant, the satire so biting, that i’m quite simply floored and need to go on bed rest until further notice

— Matt Barats (@MattBarats) May 30, 2018

This bumble claw crane with no prizes is a chilling metaphor pic.twitter.com/cdcuW3eSVJ

— Hannah Murphy (@dumb_hannah) May 30, 2018

I once dated someone because I thought he loved to read but it turned out he just really liked one book.

— Katie Qué (@imyourkatieque) May 30, 2018

save local news pic.twitter.com/ApxFCg7NDR

— Hayes Davenport (@hayesdavenport) May 30, 2018

getting word that the pompeii guy who was smashed by a big rock is actually alive and well

— Andy Orin (@andyorin) May 30, 2018

If I were to escape a volcanic eruption that was destroying my home town, I’d keep an eye out for any falling rocks that could crush and pin me to the ground as I escaped, it’s just common sense

— Christian McCrea (@christianmccrea) May 30, 2018

ABC fires Roseanne, says she crossed the line from being racist enough to have a TV show to slightly too racist to have a TV show

— popular comedy account “the pixelated boat” (@pixelatedboat) May 29, 2018

ABC fires Roseanne, says she crossed the line from being racist enough to have a TV show to slightly too racist to have a TV show

— popular comedy account “the pixelated boat” (@pixelatedboat) May 29, 2018

First they came for Roseanne, and I said nothing, because Roseanne sucks. Then they came for Bill Maher, and I said nothing, because Bill Maher also sucks.

— David Hill (@davehill77) May 29, 2018

God this is so satisfying pic.twitter.com/nFObCxDsCI

— regular person (@Merman_Melville) May 29, 2018

Phew, the reboot with the racist is gone. Now let’s enjoy the reboot where the actress got screamed at til she cried.

— Scizz Girdner (@scottgairdner) May 29, 2018

LAST MAN STANDING, S7, E1

TIM ALLEN: Hey everyone! Look who moved in next door!
ROSEANNE [after thirty full seconds of canned applause]: Michelle Obama runs a pedophile ring

— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) May 29, 2018

An easy way to tell if you’re in the Vietnam War is if Fortunate Son is playing. “If Creedence is playing a song, you’re fighting on the Mekong. If no Creedence you hear, buddy you’re in the clear.” Works every time

— Post, Alone (@alexqarbuckle) May 28, 2018

Leave it to the dumbest columnist alive to arrive at the wrong-in-both-directions “Elon Musk is good but electric cars are bad” take https://t.co/sEX3TxDwUL

— Michael T Sweeney (@mtsw) May 27, 2018