Why the League Table Would Make the World’s Worst Pundit
Photo by Nigel Roddis/Getty
In football, the league table is destiny. It decides who will be Champion, who will be in the Champions League, and who will go to the Championship. Though they may be separated by a single point, finishing in 18th place is an unforgivable crime which brings misery for potentially millions of fans (while costing millions of pounds), while finishing in 17th demands cracking open bottles of champagne and issuing special edition DVDs. This is not to be questioned—the league table never lies.
Or at least that’s the bedtime story football fans tell ourselves to keep them from going mad. Because if the league table were a pundit, sitting deadfaced alongside Alan Hansen in a brightly-lit BBC studio, they would be the most hated commentator in Europe.
Worse still, almost every club would heed their terrible advice.
But the ugly truth is that the venerable, respected league table is a dirty liar, and its judgments are often mindlessly arbitrary. Sure, the champions are almost always deserving winners, and the three relegated teams usually deserve their fate. But overall, nuance is not the league’ table’s strong suit.
To understand why, imagine for a moment that the eight best teams in the league start the season with eight equally good squads under eight equally good managers. All have ambitions to finish in the top two places. They each fight tooth and nail, and while they all face differing circumstances, they all play the best they can the whole season through.
As far as the league table is concerned, none of that matters—six of those teams must finish in places 3-8. Why they end up where they end up might be completely arbitrary; one team’s striker could pick up an unfortunate injury, or another club’s forwards hit the crossbar or missed the far post when they should have scored once or twice too often.
Nevertheless, at first glance we might assume the 8th place team was badly managed or didn’t have the right set of players, while the 1st place team were worthy champions under a brilliant manager.
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